Monthly Archives: June 2006

penance

It’s one of those days when you’re forced to take a long hard look at yourself and realize you don’t like what you see – worse, that you’re surprised – at what you’ve become. All along you were holding yourself on relatively high esteem, at least judgment-wise. You thought you were a sensible, thoughtful, positive person. But then you realize, you’re just like everyone else.

To be called out on a question of character – justly – that is just so mortifying. being reprimanded for something work-related – an unaccomplished task, an oversight, some typographical blooper – is bad enough, but at least you know such things are bound to happen. Things go wrong. People make mistakes. But to be confronted on a question of character, it’s just something I find very hard to deal with. I accept the liability, I admit I was wrong. I apologized to my superior, and she accepted the apology and said that it was over and she didn’t want to hear about it again. That’s fine, it’s just that I’m not sure I can forgive myself quite so easily. I was not aware that I was letting my character be compromised, that I was letting myself be caught in this spiral of resentment and rebelliousness, and most of all, that I was hurting other people. I can’t defend myself and say that my feelings and actions were justified or provoked, because that’s not even the point. The point is, given this set of circumstances, I acted the way I did and the way I acted did not really show my character in the best light. I became this villain, and this other person became the injured martyr. It’s weird, I never really looked at myself as a bitchy person. Just not at first glance, as it turned out.

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killing me softly

It’s not exactly one of those kill-me-now days, it’s not that bad yet – just one of those damn-this-is-so-challenging-since-I-only-possess-one-body-and-i-don’t-know-which-job-to-start-first. Just one of those wow-they’re-really-killing-me-softly-here. Two pending reports to write, a handful of press releases to chase after, an event to coordinate, not to mention those pesky news monitoring and summarizing I have to do every morning. But then I can’t complain, since everybody else is carrying huge workloads. It’s like it’s become the norm to take on (or be assigned – as if I had a choice) a superhuman workload that you can’t possibly do in a normal forty-hour workweek, forcing you to spend late hours, weekends, and even holidays at the office, and then take some more of the work home so you can do even more stuff while you’re in your pajamas cradling your laptop in your, well, lap. It’s pathetic. I finally manage to buy my laptop after years of yearning, and it just ends up giving me more work instead of allowing me to explore other pursuits as I originally intended it.

Shudders. My first few months here I’ve managed to avoid that kind of manic existence, but lately I’ve been noticing that I’m being sucked again into that frustrating vortex of having your work control your life. And reverting to the habit of writing rant blog posts. This is so not good.

my minions

Ranged on top of my PC monitor at work, ready to grin at me whenever I need to rest and raise my eyes from whatever I was doing, are these:

If you think that’s weird, you should see the dashboard of this cab I once rode in. It was full of various ceramic figures of angels and bears and virgin marys. I got on the front seat and just found my self staring at this menagerie, and it was some time before I managed to politely tear my eyes away (though on hindsight the cabbie would have probably loved the chance to talk about his collection.)

Anyway, my little menagerie, I guess you could say, grew out of several years of friendships. I didn’t buy even a single one of them; at one time of another they were just given by friends – the dorie mcdonald’s happy meal toy came from mithi, the glass cat I think came from bob, the kickers squeeze toy rubber shoe from carmina, the fat buddha and the shoe-and-purse note holder I inherited from rondell when he left the office, and the surfer pig was a freebie from when don and I once ate at yoshinoya. Hhm, I don’t remember where the glass fish and the pencil sharpener bird came from, but they surely came from friends at haribon, and now my menagerie has a more or less complete representation of the major groups in the animal kingdom.

It’s a quirky, happy collection, I like to think. It serves to remind me of my friends – not just the ones who gave them to me – but also friendships in general. The thought of people coming and going through each other’s lives, sometimes leaving their mark, sometimes not, sometimes unnoticed and unimportant, but in some cases sharing something really special.

The queen of the lot of course is my alter ego Dorie (it’s a no brainer why Mithi gave her to me), and, like me, she presides over her little domain with a huge confident grin, breezily, forgetfully going through life while inside she’s muttering to herself, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

tagged: all right, all right!

For the second time now Don has sent me a tag. I’ve been ignoring the first one, and so rather than risk facing recurring reproaches and eternal damnation (ok, I’m exaggerating. maybe he’ll just pout his lips and go hmp), I’m going to give this one a go.

The mechanics:

“Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.”

Gaak. Eight? But the good stuff I’ve already put in my Friendster profile! And six people? My blogosphere consists of like 5 people, three of whom he’s already tagged! Oh well, here goes:

  1. I used to hate, and actually still do hate, those “Tell me about yourself” or “Describe yourself” questions one invariably gets asked in job interviews and application forms. It’s not exactly a surprising question, but somehow it throws me whenever I do get asked. I wish I can just say, “Uh, could you be more specific?” I end up mouthing senseless generalities, pulling so-called “qualities” out of thin air and trying to package them in a not too self-flattering way, in an attempt to answer the real (but still general as heck) question behind “Describe yourself,” which is, “So why the heck should I hire you?” Why indeed?
  2. I have a problem with anger management – not in controlling it, but expressing it. I’m such a wimp and would like to avoid all types of confrontation as much as possible. Back in Grade 2 I was the class “peacemaker,” actually going back and forth between two warring parties in an attempt to resolve what must have been earth-shaking seven-year-old’s disputes. I would kneel beside the desk of Girl A, presenting Girl B’s side of the issue, while Girl A would sit staring straight ahead and snootily say, “Sabihin mo sa kanya .. yada-yada-yada.” I can’t remember for the life of me whether I was a great success at those peacekeeping missions, but it must have been a hit-or-miss affair because apparently I stopped doing it after grade 2. Probably, at the ripe old age of 7, I was disillusioned at the certain futilities of conflict resolution. Tipong, a bahala na nga kayo sa buhay nyo!
  3. I have discovered time and again that I am just not built for take home weekend work. Whenever I go home to the province on weekends it’s like I’m entering a time warp, or maybe a refuge, a Tara of sorts if you will, and you should not, not, attempt to intrude with bothersome city/work concerns. Leave me be with my big bed, my 12 nn wake-up time, and cable tv.
  4. I’m not a morning person. Not a Monday person either. Tuesdays I’m generally frazzled since it’s our weekly client meeting. Wednesdays I’m working on tasks talked about during the Tuesday meetings. Thursday I’m recovering from the strain of it all. Fridays I’m too wound up in anticipation for the weekend I’m generally no use. I’m actually at my best during weekends, when I go home to the province and – see number 3 Continue reading

most powerful!!

hhhmm, interesting. well i’ve often wished i can hurl things without having to bother getting up and picking them up 🙂

  You scored as Jean Grey. Jean Grey is likely the most powerful X-Man. She loves Cyclops very much but she has a soft spot for Wolverine. She’s psychic so she can sense how others are feeling and tries to help them. She also has to control her amazing powers or the malevolent Phoenix entity could take control of her and wreak havok. Powers: Telekinetic, Telepathic

Jean Grey
 
65%
Nightcrawler
 
65%
Storm
 
55%
Wolverine
 
55%
Colossus
 
55%
Iceman
 
50%
Cyclops
 
45%
Beast
 
45%
Gambit
 
45%
Rogue
 
35%
Emma Frost
 
35%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

and behold…

i’m not even going to add anything else.

baby aspire

“I Aspire.”
Truman Capote’s motto (or the motto of a character in a Truman Capote story, I’m not sure)


Well. It was bound to happen sometime. After years of dreaming and hoping, I’m finally the proud owner of a brand new laptop. As I type these words out, I’m wearing a silly grin on my face. He hee… It’s an Acer Aspire 5502WXMi (I know because it says so right in this sticker here, not because I have it memorized, mind you). It’s got 60 GB of hard disk space, it writes on DVD, it’s wifi-capable (of course), it’s got that snazzy crystalbrite LCD deal – I like it. Of course a Mac would have been much cuter, but with what I can afford, I’m definitely satisfied with this one. Don was asking what would I name it (his Dell laptop is named Optimus Prime, something that in itself can be analyzed some other time), and I was like, do I have to? Hhmm, I don’t know. Right now I’m just calling it my baby, he he.

My old PC, that 16 MB Pentium MMX clunker (but which nevertheless painstakingly brought me through my thesis), now sits forlornly in my room, all dusty and with parts disengaged from each other. I haven’t really been using it that much the past few years; it’s so old and slow it got so that one would have to wait a few seconds after typing before the words would appear. I guess at the hands of somebody more tech-savvy it would have gotten the proper upgrades and stuff, but I’ve always been really witless about such things and I never had the spare money anyway. A few months ago it stopped working altogether. I know I should have had it repaired, but I was so dead-set on getting a laptop I didn’t even want to spend on the PC anymore and wanted to sink every spare penny on the laptop fund. I should probably pay more attention to it now. I can still see it playing some role, maybe as the first office PC of the business that as of now just exists in occasional musings among my friends, when we dream of quitting the 9-6 grind and go off and be our own bosses. I do this, incidentally, with two different sets of friends. I guess everybody at one point or another has toyed with the idea.

We go one dream at a time, though. Today, laptop, tomorrow the world? Not exactly. We’ll see.