It’s one of those days when you’re forced to take a long hard look at yourself and realize you don’t like what you see – worse, that you’re surprised – at what you’ve become. All along you were holding yourself on relatively high esteem, at least judgment-wise. You thought you were a sensible, thoughtful, positive person. But then you realize, you’re just like everyone else.
To be called out on a question of character – justly – that is just so mortifying. being reprimanded for something work-related – an unaccomplished task, an oversight, some typographical blooper – is bad enough, but at least you know such things are bound to happen. Things go wrong. People make mistakes. But to be confronted on a question of character, it’s just something I find very hard to deal with. I accept the liability, I admit I was wrong. I apologized to my superior, and she accepted the apology and said that it was over and she didn’t want to hear about it again. That’s fine, it’s just that I’m not sure I can forgive myself quite so easily. I was not aware that I was letting my character be compromised, that I was letting myself be caught in this spiral of resentment and rebelliousness, and most of all, that I was hurting other people. I can’t defend myself and say that my feelings and actions were justified or provoked, because that’s not even the point. The point is, given this set of circumstances, I acted the way I did and the way I acted did not really show my character in the best light. I became this villain, and this other person became the injured martyr. It’s weird, I never really looked at myself as a bitchy person. Just not at first glance, as it turned out.