It’s one of those days when you’re forced to take a long hard look at yourself and realize you don’t like what you see – worse, that you’re surprised – at what you’ve become. All along you were holding yourself on relatively high esteem, at least judgment-wise. You thought you were a sensible, thoughtful, positive person. But then you realize, you’re just like everyone else.

To be called out on a question of character – justly – that is just so mortifying. being reprimanded for something work-related – an unaccomplished task, an oversight, some typographical blooper – is bad enough, but at least you know such things are bound to happen. Things go wrong. People make mistakes. But to be confronted on a question of character, it’s just something I find very hard to deal with. I accept the liability, I admit I was wrong. I apologized to my superior, and she accepted the apology and said that it was over and she didn’t want to hear about it again. That’s fine, it’s just that I’m not sure I can forgive myself quite so easily. I was not aware that I was letting my character be compromised, that I was letting myself be caught in this spiral of resentment and rebelliousness, and most of all, that I was hurting other people. I can’t defend myself and say that my feelings and actions were justified or provoked, because that’s not even the point. The point is, given this set of circumstances, I acted the way I did and the way I acted did not really show my character in the best light. I became this villain, and this other person became the injured martyr. It’s weird, I never really looked at myself as a bitchy person. Just not at first glance, as it turned out.


2 thoughts on “penance

  1. noreen June 29, 2006 at 8:38 am Reply

    ikaw? kontrabida? aba aba aba. umikot na ba ang gulong ng palad? eh napaka angelic nga ng mukha mo eh. ay, wag ka lang magsasalita. minsan kasi, kapag nagsimula ka na magsalita, lumalabas ang palaban na rina, hehehe


  2. TJ July 3, 2006 at 8:56 am Reply

    I guess we all make mistakes that may lead anyone to question our character from time to time. It’s hard to avoid voicing out what we think or feel, because more often than not, we actually have a point. But as I’ve learned again and again in various situations, it’s not just what you say but how you say it. And most of the time, we are judged mostly by the manner by which we express our opinion about things and people. It’s sad that sometimes, because of this mistake, people forget what we are driving at and see only what we’ve done wrong. In this case, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

    In any case, you are a smart, mature person who knows exactly what you are made of. No one can define your character more than yourself. I’m quite sure your boss still holds you in high regard, and it won’t waver due to one false move. As someone we both know says time and again, consider it a learning experience in your continuous quest for excellence. 😉

    Keep your head held high!


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